


Healing from the past

by ApocalypseOnlooker



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Harpy is bad at feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff, Suggestive Themes, consent is sexy y'all, mention of past rape, they get interrupted before any actual sex happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29057868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApocalypseOnlooker/pseuds/ApocalypseOnlooker
Summary: “Har?...Are you okay?” Was the quiet inquiry from the jet-haired human as Harpy lay frozen, silent and faintly trembling below him. The air felt thick and stifling, as if the walls themselves were beginning to close in on them. The evening had not been supposed to go like this. It was supposed to be a pleasant, satisfying experience with his boyfriend, why wasn’t it?
Relationships: Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 4





	Healing from the past

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pre-beta fic and has yet to be edited by my co-author, but I wanted to put this out there before I chickened out since it deals with some heavy character building stuff.
> 
> As usual, Harpy is my character and Jericho belongs to my friend Robin- the setting is the same apocalypse/zombie AU that my previous fics have come out of! ^u^

“Har?...Are you okay?” Was the quiet inquiry from the jet-haired human as Harpy lay frozen, silent and faintly trembling below him. The air felt thick and stifling, as if the walls themselves were beginning to close in on them. The evening had not been supposed to go like this. It was supposed to be a pleasant, satisfying experience with his boyfriend, why wasn’t it?

~Earlier~

Unwinding from a rather trying day, it had been Harpy that had instigated the events that led to his unfortunate break down. Free from his tasks assigned by the Reaper for the day, Harpy had decided to head to Jericho’s quarters for some well earned time with the human. Of course, he had not been there just yet as he was no doubt still finishing up in the prison, but this gave Harpy the opportunity to settle in while he waited.

Removing his thick cloak and hanging it by the door, Harpy had stretched to soothe the aches in his wings from holding them in the same position for hours, and made his way across the room to seat himself on Jericho’s bed. While he did not get the appeal of sleeping on such an exposed platform when such a nice alternative existed in a sturdily constructed nest; Harpy had to admit the bed was rather comfortable, and he had allowed himself to lay carefully on his side upon the blankets, breathing in Jericho’s scent that clung to the fabric. 

The smell brought up pleasant memories of time spent with the human, in this room and in his own rather cramped accommodations that the Reaper had seen fit to provide. Unlike in his own tiny room where he could barely turn around in the nest that took up a majority of the space- he was able to relax here, take in the little details that Jericho had decorated the space with as he waited- the small knick-knacks that gave the space a much more personal feeling. 

Sitting back up, Harpy had carefully picked up the antler that lay on the small shelf above the bed. Bones had always been fascinating to Harpy, one need look no further than the great number of bones that acted as morbid decorations for his roost back home as evidence. It was nice to see he was not alone in the interest turning it in his claws before replacing it in its rightful place.

Next to the antler were the hawk feathers he had noted Jericho seemed keen on collecting when they occasionally found them as they patrolled the inner ring of the outpost. There was a reason for this...Something about the meaning of strength or guardianship, if Harpy was remembering the explanation Jericho had given correctly? Harpy knew better than to disturb the carefully arranged feathers, and left them as they were, but...the urge to place one of his own jet-black flight feathers near the collection toyed at the edge of his mind. As a token of his appreciation for Jericho’s company perhaps? 

Jericho had been kinder in these last few months toward Harpy than anyone he had had as a partner in his life before, and he found himself attempting to formulate plans of how to repay that kindness quite regularly. The gesture of leaving a feather did not seem like nearly enough however, so Harpy internally marked it for a later date. Settling back in his cozy spot on the messy blankets- it turned out he didn’t have to wait much longer for Jericho’s arrival as the sound of the handle turning had his ears flicking toward the door.

Jericho stepped through the door, itching at the nape of his neck where his long hair was tied back. The human paused when he noticed Harpy seated on his bed. A smile played at the corners of his mouth as he shut the door behind him and tugged off his boots, leaving them by the door.

“Evenin’ Doll, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Jericho asked with a goofy smile as Harpy stood from the bed to greet him, talons tapping softly against the wooden floor when they made contact.

“I finished my assigned tasks for the day early, so I figured that a visit might be in order. Is it a crime to want to see you for no particular reason?” Harpy crossed his arms, amusement adding a soft edge to his voice. 

“Not at all! At least, it’s not a crime I care about ya’ commitin’, heh.” Jericho wasted no time in crossing the remaining distance to give Harpy a peck on the lips, one that the spirit eagerly met him halfway for as Jericho placed his hands on Harpy’s waist to pull him closer. Harpy was not usually one to instigate physical contact, so he was grateful that Jericho seemed to recognize when he was comfortable being close like this and took the lead.

Feeling bold, Harpy slid his hands from Jericho’s chest down to his hips, looping his talons in the human’s belt buckles and tugging him forward as Harpy sat back down on the bed, eliciting a startled gasp from Jericho that morphed into an amorous chuckle as he took the hint and climbed onto the bed as Harpy leaned back, kissing Jericho much more passionately. 

Jericho stabilized himself with a knee on either side of Harpy’s hips and with a hand on the small of Harpy’s back, he guided the spirit to lay down- propping himself up with one hand on the covers beside him so the other could work at the buttons on Harpy’s shirt as they kissed.

Straddled like this, Harpy could not ignore the warm feeling building in his gut, nor the throb of want that pulsed in his loins when Jericho broke their kiss to nibble and lick up to the pointed tip of one of Harpy’s ears while he took the other between two fingers and gently massaged- earning him a high-pitched, needy sigh from Harpy and an instinctive buck of the spirit’s hips.

Jericho moved from toying with Harpy’s ears to nip the strip of exposed skin becoming available under Harpy’s shirt collar. A particularly hard nip drew a soft moan from his lips accompanied with a euphoric glaze to his eyes. His hands traced appreciatively up Jericho’s waist to his chest, enjoying the firm muscle of his pecs and the pebbled peaks of his nipples through Jericho’s shirt under his touch- an action that earned Harpy a low groan from the human. Surely Jericho could feel the slight squirm to Harpy’s hips below his thighs as the treatment continued, a sure sign of his boyfriend’s satisfaction.

Jericho practically purred in enjoyment as he traced the trail of his love bites along Harpy’s throat with careful fingers, pressing kisses along the smooth line of his jaw, relishing the pleased chirp he got in response.

“Such sweet noises, Har. Makes me feel all the luckier I’m the one to get to hear you sing these cute lil’ sounds when you’re feeling good.” Jericho hummed as he shifted the slight pressure his fingers gave onto Harpy’s throat. “So cute, pet.”

**...Pet…**

Harpy froze, the content feeling that had been building in his chest shattered in an instant as if he had been plugged into ice water. No. No, this was fine. He was being foolish. Harpy struggled to sort his tempest of emotions now rising and breathed in shakily as Jericho continued to press nips and kisses along his jaw. Now the bed felt strangely textured, far too detailed against his back and wings. The gentle touches of Jericho’s lips and hands now felt foreign and frightening, as if preventing him from moving him to the mattress instead of carefully holding him.

Nervousness rose in his chest, outweighing the warmth Jericho had instilled as memories of a different human ripped their way to the forefront of his senses despite how hard he tried to force them down. All of this sensation was too much, and his eyes shut in a last attempt to block everything out. His hands dropped from their previous position on Jericho’s chest to fall at his sides limply, knees pressing together defensively.

 _“There, isn’t it so much better when you listen to me, Pet?” Had been the sickly sweet tone of the human as he held Harpy’s throat in his hand, fingers holding too tight with nails biting at his skin. He could barely breathe. Those cold grey eyes were like stone- boring into Harpy’s own with an intensity that chilled him to his very soul, empty of any real empathy that was put into his words._

_His seat on Harpy’s hips weighed the spirit down, his hand on his chest kept him pressed to the sheet below him, making him all the more aware of the throbbing pain in his wings where they had been violently twisted and bled. “You know I don’t like hurting you, why must you make me?”_

_Harpy wanted to run, to shove the human off of him and flee- but he couldn’t. No matter how hard he willed his limbs to move, they stayed frozen at his sides, petrified in fear. He could feel the man’s grip on his throat tighten, angling the spirit’s face up so he could kiss against Harpy’s unresponsive lips, the heat searing his skin as if it were flame. He was terrified, he didn’t want to endure this, he-_

“Har?...Are you okay?”

~Present~

Harpy’s eyes snapped open. It wasn’t the man from the memory that sat on his hips, it wasn’t the cold grey eyes that met his own but warm amber ones. It was Jericho who had removed the hand from Harpy’s neck and now wore a very concerned look as he searched the spirit’s face. Harpy shakily breathed in, now aware of the tremor that ran through his whole body, and the burn of tears threatening to fall in his eyes. 

“Har- baby, please answer me, you’re shaking like a leaf.” Jericho brushed a stray feather out of Harpy’s face as he rolled off his hips, settling on the bed next to him with increased worry knitting his brow. With the weight now removed from him, Harpy gulped in air and hastily drew back. 

In a shaky movement, Harpy had arranged himself to be sitting with his back pressed against the wall behind the bed, tucking his limbs in to form a tight ball that took up as little space as possible, stifling a whimper as he averted his gaze. He couldn’t meet Jericho’s eyes after reacting like that. 

Thankfully Jericho did not press him before he was ready, despite his obvious concern. It was several minutes before Harpy made any attempt to talk.

“I...I am sorry. This has nothing to do with you, it was nice until...it was too much.” Harpy struggled to keep a sob out of his voice, digging his talons painfully into his arms as he held himself tighter. Jericho calmly reached to stroke the bristling feathers on Harpy’s wing closest to him, which had formed a defensive curtain around the spirit when he had balled up. The touch was soothing, despite how overwhelmed he had been feeling. It helped.

“...Is it okay if I hug you, Darlin’?” Jericho asked as Harpy began to breathe more evenly, and it took a few moments of deliberation before the spirit numbly nodded. Jericho simply scooted a little bit closer and opened his arms, Harpy was given the opportunity to uncurl from his tight ball and close the gap on his own- which he eventually did. 

Wrapping his arms around Jericho’s chest and burying his face in his shoulder, Harpy shook as he finally let himself cry, tears running down his cheeks and soaking into Jericho’s shirt as the human rubbed soothing circles onto Harpy’s back. Only when Harpy’s sobs began to quiet and his shaking started to subside did Jericho speak further.

“I’m not upset, Har. I just want to know what happened, was it something I did?” Jericho inquired softly, keeping his movements calm and steady as he stroked Harpy’s wing gently. “If it was, you gotta let me know, sugar- I don’t want to do it again if it hurts you like this.”

Harpy struggled to find the words as he tried to articulate the experience to Jericho, and when he spoke, his words were mildly muffled as he spoke with his face still buried in his boyfriend’s shoulder. 

“...I know you’d stop if I asked you to…” He began, taking a deep breath to calm his shaky nerves, and he felt Jericho nod in response. He cared for Jericho deeply, he knew he was safe- but the fear had spread like a cancer when the memory had been brought to the surface.

“...When you called me…’pet’...it brought up memories...of the first human I was with... M-...” Harpy’s grip on Jericho tightened ever so slightly as he nearly let the name he swore he would never say again fall from his tongue like it was poison. Once he managed to get the words out, it was like a waterfall- the rest tumbling out in a jumbled mess. 

“...He- he called me that too, and he nearly choked me to unconsciousness when things were worst...He forced me to do what he wanted and did whatever would get him what he wanted or he- he would hurt me, or threaten to rip off my wings, or hurt my sister, and- and I couldn’t risk that! And...he would tell me the things he wanted to do to me, how he- he wanted to breed me like some animal, and it- it was my fault, he didn’t even have my true name- I was just too weak to get away from him and...I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about...”

Harpy quieted as Jericho held him closer, the contact stopping Harpy from rambling further and providing an anchor in the midst of his turmoil. He could feel Jericho’s heart hammering from where their chests were pressed together, and Harpy was shocked by the anger present when Jericho barely stopped a growl from entering his voice when he spoke.

“Nothing was your fault, and you are **not** weak. I am so sorry, Harpy.” Jericho brought his voice to a gentler tone, but his emotions ran close to the surface. Harpy could tell just how upset his boyfriend was. “I’m listening as long as you still have things you need to say.”

“But...it hurts you...You’re angry?” Harpy frowned against Jericho’s shirt.

“I’m angry for you, not at you, Darlin’.” A strained edge entered Jericho’s voice. “I’m angry that someone could even think about hurtin’ you like that, forcing you to do what you didn’t want to do and hurtin’ you when you refused.”

Jericho paused a brief moment before he continued “How long ago did this happen?”

“...It was several hundred years ago...he’s been dead for quite a long time, my sister made sure of that...She saved my life...” The good memory was burned into his mind almost as clearly as the bad one- she had found him after he collapsed mid-flight in his attempt to get back home; cleaned him up, sheltered him, listened...he had been so relieved when Amalthea had come home the next day, her hands still drenched in what she had assured him was his former abuser’s blood. 

If not for her, Harpy was sure he would have faded that day. 

“...I’m sorry that this came up, I hoped I would never have to share this with you.”

“You do not ever have to apologize, ever. Especially not for this.” Jericho insisted as he pulled them apart so he could look Harpy in the eyes, gently cupping his face so he could stroke a thumb over his cheek, wiping away the moisture that still clung to his skin from the tears. “I just wish I got the chance to kill that bastard myself, I’ll have to thank that sister of yours for doin’ so if I get to meet her some day. Thank you for trustin’ me enough to tell me, Har. I know that couldn’t have been easy for ya.”

Harpy leaned to the touch, an unsteady amused chirp sounding in his throat. “I...think I trust you more than any being I’ve met in my life, Jericho.” Harpy felt that warm feeling tentatively returning in his chest at how ready Jericho was to defend his honor, gently placing his hands over Jericho’s where they still cupped his cheeks. In response, Jericho simply pressed his forehead to Harpy’s comfortingly.

“That means a lot; thank you, Har.” Jericho smiled. “I assure you, the feeling is mutual. You are a diamond in a rhinestone world, I’m not just sayin’ that.” Jericho assured as Harpy’s cheeks tinted red at the compliment, smiling to acknowledge Harpy’s reaction before he continued.

“C’mon, Darlin’- I don’t know about you, but a nap would do me wonders after an experience like that. Do you care to join me?” Upon the nod from Harpy, carefully Jericho guided Harpy to lay back down once he had calmed once more- but far less suggestively than their previous positions had been before Harpy had broken down. Jericho settled laying on his back so Harpy could rest his head on his chest, wrapping an arm around Harpy while the spirit focused on curling the rest of his body closely to the human with his leg draped over Jericho’s. 

Held with Jericho’s firm arm around him, the sound of his heart beating in his chest below his ear- Harpy had the realization that he had never felt more secure. Instinctively, his wing not currently tucked between him and the bed unfolded, draping over the both of them like a feathered blanket.

If the gesture was amusing to Jericho, he said nothing, but he did begin to stroke his fingers through the soft black feathers. As always, the feeling was nothing short of blissful and drew a soft coo from the spirit. Jericho was the only one in the entire outpost, maybe the entire world he would let touch his wings like this after what...the other man had done. This lack of trust in others was part of the reason he made the choice to wear such a heavy cloak at all times. 

What Harpy had said minutes earlier, he meant with every fiber of his being- besides Amalthea, there was no one he trusted more than the man he currently lay beside. He focused on the steady rise and fall of Jericho’s chest, which gradually slowed alongside the strokes on his wing as the human began to doze off in Harpy’s embrace, a combination that left him blissfully boneless and drowsy.

Now that Jericho had dozed off, Harpy lazily let his gaze wander about Jericho’s sleeping form. He started at Jericho’s neck and the delicious form of his collarbone exposed above the collar of his shirt. There was something fascinating about the little details he was able to pick out in Jericho’s slumber- like the little freckles that were barely visible across his skin, or the faint nicks and scars scattered across his torso earned from his position in the outpost. He wanted to trace the scars with his fingertips, count each one and map them in his memory. 

His awareness drifted to Jericho’s chest under his head, hearing his strong heartbeat and feeling the firm muscle that was present over all of the human’s body. Harpy followed the form of Jericho’s flank down to the slight curve of his hips. Half of him wanted to reach out, refresh his memory of how he felt there- but he did not want to do something so bold without Jericho being awake.

Letting his gaze move up to Jericho’s face, he marveled at the dark line of his lashes marking his closed eyes, and the slight dimple of his cheeks present from the soft smile he had worn when he had fallen asleep. 

The peaceful expression that was allowed to form on his face in contrast to his usual arched eyebrows and cheeky smile was just icing on the cake. Jericho was gorgeous, Harpy treated that information as fact- the sharp line of his jaw and the cleft of his chin, the way his jet hair draped like a gorgeous loose curtain around his face when untied, even the subtle lines around his eyes from years spent in the sun. Memories of how those eyes crinkled when Jericho smiled brought contented happiness to the forefront in Harpy’s heart.

What good deed had he done in his life to deserve someone so wonderful that outweighed all the bad?

Jericho had really chosen him against all others. 

_I love you._

Harpy physically flinched at the sudden thought. It cut so deep, so much, it was dangerous. Based on past experience he only could get hurt handling such raw emotions. That was how it always was, wasn’t it?...

No. He assured himself. Jericho would not do Harpy harm. But really, despite the reassurance Jericho had given him after his break down, Harpy still did not fully understand why he had chosen him. He hoped that in time, maybe he would begin to understand. He would find a way to show how much he appreciated this man he had undoubtedly fallen in love with.

Harpy brushed aside all of these difficult thoughts as awareness of his own dwindling energy rose once more. He was so calmed by Jericho’s presence, he had not noticed how tired he was feeling during his moments of observation until it hit him all at once. Adjusting his position minutely to optimize his comfort, Harpy contently sighed and finally allowed his eyes to close. With Jericho, he could let himself begin to find the peace that eluded him for thousands of years.

He just hoped that someday he would have the courage to tell Jericho these things out loud. For now, he was happy with how things were. He could live with that.

The next morning when both had left the dwelling to attend to their daily tasks, the room was completely undisturbed from the turbulence of the previous evening. The only evidence of the realizations reached by the spirit that had visited the room was a single new addition- a jet black feather laid alongside those of a hawk on the shelf above the bed.

~End~

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first time writing out a major panic attack based around a trigger for something so heavy- I really hope my writing came close to portraying how a panic attack feels and didn't have any major inaccuracies, I only have my own experiences with panic attacks to go by and I'm fortunate to have never been through what Harpy's trauma is tied to.
> 
> This was an engaging fic to write for fleshing out Harpy's backstory and feelings toward Jericho, I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoyed reading it! Thank you!


End file.
